i just need to talk.

this is a writing club. i consider this a piece. this is something that has been hanging on me for almost a year. last year, the day after christmas my grandmother passed away. things like these make you open your eyes to what your life is about. i never realized until then how much she had ment to me. what a huge role she took in my life. i failed to see that she was a piece of the foundation i grew up on. at the exact moment that i herd my dad say, "yeah, patty's mother passed away this morning." my brain went into overload with emotion. it hit me that i never appreciated her enough. she gave me everything and i never thanked her enough. she loved me maybe too much for what i gave her. on christmas morning we visted her in her room to open the gifts she bought us. over the top evey year with presents. it was her favorite holiday of course. in that room on that morning, she told us it was going to be her last day. there had been so many miracles keeping her alive even that long but i still didn't want to let go. about a week earlier, she wanted tomato soup. why we didn't know but when we went down to the cafeteria, they had tomoato soup in place of onion. it was something NOBODY could ignore. this was special. now that i look back its an amazing event. back to christmas, after i unwrapped our gifts and talked a while, which was difficult because she was too weak to even mumble. i told her i would be back later. that night my mom was leaving dinner to see her with my aunts and she asked me if i wanted to go. i thought i'd see her the next day so i put it off and went home. ever since i heard my dad on the phone when i woke up i have asked myself "why didn't i go back" i feel like i let her down. i feel like i betrayed her trust in me as her granddaughter. just now as i watch christmas specials, it really hit me. it's been a year without her and i feel even worse. i wish that i could have a sign or just know she isn't upset with me. that would clear my mind from this could covering it.  i love her more than i ever let her know.